Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.
I am in Sault Ste. Marie at the moment. In a motel which, god bless, has wifi. My phone will only connect to AT&T so I’ve turned off the cellular.
Everything makes me FEEL.
Aboriginal reserves have a lot of heavy energy surrounding them. I’ve been in it all day.
My dad wanted to go to the bar and grill next door to the motel for wings and fries. I knew I wouldn’t like it but I went anyways because experience is good. It smelled like alcoholics and stale cigarette smoke. I was the only female patron in the place and I was thankful not to be coming in alone. The bartender was a young girl with a blonde pixie cut who looked not much older than me. She was very pretty and petite and was wearing fitted clothing which showed off an obviously athletic body. Her arms were visibly muscular and there were tattoos peeking out from under her sleeves. When she spoke to us it was very cool and guarded. It was a transaction, and nothing more. I suppose that’s what you must do after some time.
I feel small and not myself. I feel like I am faking my enthusiasm. I don’t feel that incredible lust for experience. I don’t feel brave. Everything feels challenging right now. I wish I was at home on the couch where I could be still and numbed and drugged and starving and happy in my misery.
I want to curl small against him and feel his breathing on the back of my neck and his arm wrapping around me.
He’s my home now.
I don’t know if I want any of this any more. I don’t want to travel because I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to go to guelph because it hurts.
I don’t want to feel ugly. I don’t mean that I feel physically unattractive, I mean that I feel bland. I feel like I am a person to be passed over, passed off, passed by. I don’t elicit an emotion. I just exist.
It makes me want to do something drastic just to feel alive.
I don’t want to live in the country. I like to be around other people. I like that community. Again and again I am reminded being out here.
I can’t tell if this is what I’m feeling or if I am just depressed.
I don’t know if I belong here any more.